Category: Confession Card

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On Avocados and Sweat

I tell myself not to turn into Josheph Conrad. If its not accommodating, then make a home out of it. Every time I concede to wistful lust of Africa, I reprimand myself being such a pussy. A pussy is warm and tender. I can’t be warm and tender now can I? I need to be strong, adventurous and arrogant like a dick.  The country is immense and the people are kind but I still have not quite found a profound sickness that suits to my temperance. It’s the mojo that I have lost that I am grieving over. I am in need of a heart. A heart that can bear my sporadic self-professed darkness which I keep going back into where I find comfort and where I find it homelier than home thousands of miles away that’s cuddled between the dust and green hills which almost never bars the sight of snow capped mountains. Oh what a relish! I wish to see those mountains again. Not because it appears splendid or grandee but I need the feel of my old ways. To find my way into the mojo that I have seemingly lost. I abhor my own body. Its crowded with sweat, flies, beef and avocado. I feel it wants to give way to the anguish that such climes bring forth but I hold myself tight and think, this too shall pass. How many of my brethren have been here, I wonder. A man from the Himalayas in Africa! That’s quite a sight in servitude and suffering. I tell to my most un-Serb of a Serbian, ‘Vlad, brother, I feel the sun but I don’t feel the warmth’. He replied back sheepishly, ‘You need to do weed man’. He he is wise. He lives in the jungles of Tanzania doing who-knows-what sort of research pertaining to trees. He gives me warmth for he is as outlandish as I am. I am pretty sure that he thinks first and then he feels the thought rather than opposite of what most people would do. That’s why he is wise. His mojo is intact.  For the first time in my life, I got asked ‘Have you climbed Everest?’. It was quite a feeling. That of nostalgia and the feeling of being a Nepali residing outside the country I so much hate. It was quite interesting for me because never had I knew such…

P.S. Bon Jovi is a Boy Band

Dear Mr. M, In the morbid bareness of autumn, I finally found, deep inside my heart, a sort of warmth, a fiasco –a friendship, which helped me persevere the brooding lust of death. Leaving behind the beauty of ethereal convictions, I fell upon your knees and you accepted me as I was; marooned by self and vain in nature. As I made strides towards the darkness, essential moments of love and compassion escaped me and primal emotions which sustain life were already numb. Having experienced life, I was disappointed. I wanted to experience death, for in certes I knew it wouldn’t disappoint. (more…)

Books v. Cigarettes

Until recently, I hadn't quite given thought on the cost of books and cigarettes that I am used to buying nonchalantly. I have quite a possession of books since I began reading voraciously seven years ago when the college threw me out of science department and placed me with students of humanities steam. It was due to lack of any aptitude or attitude from my part which led me to first, being suspended from college and then being reinstated in another stream, of course conditionally. I was one of those rotten tomato which the education system in Nepal detests. I was reticent, observant and a brute at heart; dispatching inquiries of rather derisive nature to the administration, revolting against any sort of authoritative rules and bonking classes whenever I fancied. I was a libertine and the college was my transit to a chaotic vision of teenage glory. It was truly in college, when I began reading rather voraciously. I had a rather spirited English literature teacher who appeared comical. He was almost five foot and had snubbed nose, puffed cheek and adenoidal voice. For teenage students, he was gold mine for back bench banter. I may have ridiculed him too, back in the days, but I had great respect for a man who had no interest in the banking concept of education. Since my introduction to literature, reading books has been my favorite pass time. I read everything. From Dostoevsky to Kerouac to Devkota, I read whatever my eyes behold; newspapers, magazines, flyers, political manifestos to Facebook statuses. I even read a lot of phrases which are painted thoughtfully in the rear end of trucks and public buses. I like alphabets and how it reels into words and the words prance around into sentences which in turn become prose, verses, poems, novels and essays. My favorite alphabet is ‘x’ because it looks really cool. (more…)

Let Me Live 

Faith faith go away Let me respite, leave me misery, Awaking seeds of sorrows  do sway Heaps of lust which trample and scurry, This Landscape of absurdity.   I'm just an artist. I'm just a witness.   I stand in the midst of this danger Disheveled on random love and anger, Vexed of life and insatiable hunger As I fall in love and loathe a stranger.   Faith faith go away Down the market and onto a quay, Why don't you take a ticket to ride And I'll just love and hate and yearn and chide, For my life needs it all.

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Narcissistic Opinion: Applying 48 Laws of Power to a Work Place Argument

Having a heated argument with a fellow professional reveals a lot of things of not just that particular person but also about oneself. I have always tried to stay humble with my work and try to emulate the best of the lot. Admiring without trying to be a sycophant, having conversations without trying to be ostentatious, listening to them without interrupting and working without abeyance. It supported by basis of staying humble in my workplace. Until one day, when a team member (senior) suddenly decides to play an ass. Now, it one thing to appear peaceful and another thing to depict powerlessness. In our post-modern world, I have observed, if anything is at peace then in certes, it is toothless.  In my repetitive reading of 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene, I came to feel that Laws related to character building, especially when law five says, ‘So much depends upon reputation: Guard it with your life’ and Law 9 which says ‘Win through your actions not through argument’ seemed a perfect way of life who usually tends to believe in staying simple yet sophisticated. But what do you do when these laws are in contradiction and you’ve got no other choice but to throw your conditioned self out of the picture and fight like a raging bull and maybe even creating a private Holyfield’s ear incident.  But what really bothered me with this particular brawl was the law number one which blatantly says, ‘Never outshine your master’. Do I go for a Pyrrhic victory or do I stand by the cornerstone of power, ‘reputation’ as Mr. Greene lucidly explained? When in anger, the primal sense usually hazes all sense of propriety and thus what we have is the current situation with humanity. Now, the problem with this public spat was that I wasn’t in the wrong. Having said that one may think that it is a clear victory but when you bring in underrated parameters like ‘relationship’, ‘team work’, ‘work ethic’ and ‘career opportunities’, it is quite a bit of hard pill to swallow. Having had a superiority linguistically over my opponent, I used the tactic of law 44 which says ‘Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect’. Repeating his statement, assuming a faint smile which implied ambiguousness of sarcasm and solemnity, appreciating the logic when there was none and then striking the red hot malleable iron of perceived…